When a person is intent on having a really good period of depression, one of the more common and effective ways of achieving it is by practicing (and it needs to be practiced in order to come by it easily) the fine art of withdrawing, usually from your “love support” system, when there is a bump in the relationship and then brooding about the unfairness, injustices and meanness that you suffer at the hands of others. In particular from the hands of that someone from whom you fully expect so much more love, understanding and compliance.

If you read the last two columns you no doubt have learned that becoming skillful at depression, requires, as with everything else in life, a certain degree of practice; and without that practice one does not really attain a high level of proficiency. You also read that there are different approaches or techniques for achieving a state of depression. The first two techniques include practicing a life without, or at least with very few goals and purposes. You learned that a goal-less life is a meaningless life and a meaningless life becomes a depressed life.

You also learned that another way to achieve depression is by practicing the futile and ego deflating search for perfection in all that you do, and in everyone else besides. Since no one can really define perfect behavior or perfect lives, the effort inevitably leads to repeated and continuous failures and subsequent loss of self esteem and that, of course, works handily toward one beating oneself up and ultimately some depression.

Unless a person suffers from depression that truly results from physiological causes, (body chemistry anomalies, imbalances, etc.) most depressions are the result of habits of thought, habits of behavior and faulty belief systems and these “habits” or beliefs are learned or practiced. Thus much of life’s depressions are actually the result of faulty learned responses. This is one reason people who experience fairly frequent or seemingly spontaneous depressions don't seem to have the slightest clue as to what caused it. They have, in effect, become so expert at the practice of depression that it is accomplished without them realizing what hit them, or how.

Practicing the behavior of pulling away from or withdrawing from someone important in our lives, especially someone we depend on for ego support, or in some other ways, and then devoting extended periods of that withdrawal along with other extended periods devoted to inner mental boiling and bubbling, as it were, clearly is one of the more common practices, leading to a “meaningful depression.”

Withdrawing and brooding when things have not gone right for you is not unlike the practice of “worm eating” except that it always involves another person. Worm eating is akin to enjoying an emotional “pity party” in solitude, including special emphasis on how one has become victimized by the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune”. However, the practice of withdrawing and brooding always involves some other(s). The brooding part may include such obsessings as how one’s spouse, partner or lover NEVER EVER really returns affection, understanding, or is just plain inconsiderate of ones feelings about this or that. These kinds of musings are often accompanied by withdrawing or cutting oneself off from that person, or with avoidance of eye contact, or at best, providing one syllable responses when asked if there is something wrong. After all, if they really cared, they would already know what is wrong, so leave them guessing. Why should you talk it over any way? Why explain your gripe? Talking NEVER does any good anyway!

The longer this practice goes on, the stronger becomes the depression, and by the way, the more puzzled and confused the other person is likely to become. (That serves them right, eh? Good punishment!)

So, while punishing the other person, you are also punishing yourself, and now, possibly two people are depressed instead of one.

People who practice the above will often recognize it, when it is pointed out to them by someone other than the one they are in conflict with, or by reading descriptions such as this. When and if they get tired of the repeated depressions and disruptions in their relationships, most will find that a good psychotherapist or counselor can readily help them identify their pitiful practice program and help them change over to other more effective ways of dealing with life’s sticky problems.

If, on the other hand, one is really intent on having some “really good depressions”, (and it seems that many people are), then this is one of the ways to do it.

At this point, there may be some readers who wonder about the tone and approach used in this article. If you read the two previous ones, you will understand. If not, then if you really cared, I should think that you could have called the Marketplace office and asked for a copy so that you could read them and truly understand what’s going on.

James G. Bennett, MSW, DCH is a psychotherapist, counselor and author in the field of Mental Health, He may be reached at 1(509)656-3016 E-mail: namaskar@ezpc.com.